Overcoming Dating Anxiety: 5 Tips from a Therapist
Do you have anxiety about dating? You’re not alone. Dating can feel like an emotional minefield for many. It requires a lot of courage, vulnerability, and opening yourself up to potential rejection, or ghosting. Although most people experience emotional ups and downs when dating, some people may experience more severe anxiety related to dating, this may be due to low self-esteem, or fear of rejection, getting hurt, or wasting time. Some people may avoid dating altogether to avoid the emotions that come up with putting themselves out there. While avoidance may work in the short term to prevent the anxiety, it ultimately holds you back from your goal of meeting someone great.
Here are 5 actionable tips from a therapist on managing your anxiety about dating.
1. Accept rejection as part of the process
One of the most common things I hear as a therapist is how fearful people are of rejection. Dating requires you to put yourself out there, and risk being rejected multiple times before finding the right fit. Rejection doesn’t feel good for anybody, and there is a valid reason for that. Humans are social beings; social rejection can feel threatening to our level of social acceptance or make us doubt ourselves. However, once the initial “sting” of rejection fades, it’s helpful to think of rejection as a part of the dating process rather than something to be avoided at all costs.
It’s important to not internalize rejection as a result of something being wrong with you, and instead re-frame it as: two people being not the right fit for each other. You are not going to hit it off with everyone you meet. There will be times when you do the rejecting, and times when others reject you. This is a nearly universal process in dating. Rejection hurts, but it is survivable. Accepting rejection as part of the process may make you more brave in your love life, and help you bounce back quicker when things don’t go the way you’d hoped.
2. Get clear about what you’re looking for
Perhaps you’ve been single for a while and starting to wonder if your person is out there. Or you’ve just gotten out of a relationship and are feeling worried about getting back into the dating world. Either way, it’s helpful to get clear on what you’re looking for. I suggest writing down a list of the things you’re looking for. Are you looking for a serious relationship, or are you interested in going on casual dates? What do you value in a person? What are your “dealbreakers”? What boundaries do you want to uphold throughout the dating process? What are the attributes that would make you say “wow I really like this person, and I’m ready to commit to them”. Then when you go on dates and get to know people, you can use this list as a reference to help you with the decision-making process.
It’s important to note that I advise this list be more about personality attributes rather than focused on physical or more superficial qualities. You get to decide what’s important for you, so it may help to categorize a needs versus wants list when considering what you’re looking for.
3. Journal after each date
Once you’ve made a list of what it is you’re looking for, it’s important to keep reflecting by checking in with yourself after each date. Instead of wondering “do they like me? Will they text me?”, re-center your attention to your experience. Journaling about the dating process helps build the habit of reflecting after date, and can build a sense of control in the dating process.
Questions to ask yourself after a date:
How did I feel on the date? Was I comfortable? Was it fun?
What did I like about this person?
Did anything stand out to me about them (good or bad)?
What do I want to learn about this person before deciding to “commit” to them?
Refer to the list you made of qualities you’re looking for, does this person have any of those qualities?
4. Stop comparing yourself to others or to what things “should” be
There is a surplus of dating advice and anecdotes on social media these days. While some of it may be helpful, it’s also leading to constant comparison and confusion for anxious daters. Dating is personal, only you get to decide what you want and what your standards are. For most people, these preferences come from experience. Sometimes it takes dating a lot of what you don’t want to recognize what it is that you do want. Stop viewing dates that didn’t go anywhere as wasted time and start viewing them as valuable lessons that are helping you get to your ultimate dating goal. Many people have an idea in their head of what their dating life “should” be, like “I thought I’d be married by now”, but since we can’t control the timing of these things, expectations like this can lead to disappointment or even self-judgment. Remind yourself that it takes time and effort for most people, and try to remain hopeful that it will happen at the right time.
How would focusing on enjoying the process, instead of racing towards the “finish line” change the way you date? Would the process become less daunting? Would anything shift in the way you show up on the dates?
5. Speak with a therapist about your dating anxiety
Dating advice can often feel trite, and that’s because dating is so personal and vulnerable, that it’s hard to personalize advice in a way that applies to everybody. Although the list above may be helpful in a broad sense, working on your dating anxiety in therapy would allow you to dig deeper into your personal fears and beliefs, and receive a more personalized approach to navigating dating fears. A therapist can help identify patterns, blocks, or cognitive distortions about dating. Some therapists may use an attachment-based approach to therapy that help identify any potential attachment issues or insecurities and help clients work to become more secure.
If you’re curious about starting therapy to overcome dating anxiety, click here to learn more about working with me.